This is a very personal story, but as the title of my blog implies, this is truly straight from my heart to yours. I share it because as I teach I find that many of you share a similar story. There is hope and healing to be found – even if that healing is simply coming to acceptance and then peace.
Rewind a few years back, and I found myself tangled in the awful grasp of depression and anxiety. It crept up quietly. I didn't see until it was looming and then enveloping me. I never noticed all the warnings popping up along the way. I was going full speed ahead – ignoring the things that I now know I should have paid attention to. I finally found myself, trembling and sobbing over the steering wheel after running one of our children to school. The others were waiting inside for me to make breakfast, comb hair, help them find shoes, etc, etc, etc. I was overwhelmed, but I had to pull myself together . . . What was the MATTER with me anyway?! I had everything that any woman could hope for. Why COULDN'T I just pull myself together?
This was a pivotal moment in my life. I needed help. Why is it so hard to reach beyond ourselves and seek the help that we so desperately need? Is it somehow admitting defeat, weakness? No – it is truly greater strength and nobility to surrender and accept.
I prayed, asking God to give me the strength that I lacked. I asked Him for direction and help to get through it all. Most importantly, I sought help to be the loving wife and mother that my family needed me to be. I talked to my husband who was compassionate and supportive. We sat together and came up with a plan of action. It meant making changes. We discussed it as a family and decided to eliminate activities to ease our busy schedule and redistribute responsibilities. I found myself in the doctor's office – feeling stupid, as though I had done something wrong. A prescription was given for medication. This was particularly difficult for me, but I needed to function. I made appointments with a counselor. I changed my eating habits, sought out holistic methods of healing, and started a fitness program. Slowly things began to get better a day at a time.
This is where my yoga journey began. My first class was a profound experience. It was so hard to hold those Warriors. My legs ached. I couldn’t do a chaturanga (push-up) to save my life! The instructor asked us to breathe, challenge ourselves, and modify when needed. We were invited to listen to our bodies, do what we could, rest when we needed, and then come back to challenge. This concept of listening my body, and facilitating breath was new to me. It inspired me to try harder and gave me strength to continue. I remember thinking, “I am going to stay with it – even if it is hard. I will pace myself – I can do this!” At the end of class, much to my relief, we laid down on our mats for something called “savasana”. During this savasana, something strange happened. It was as if a great dam inside me burst! Emotion that had bottled up for so long came rushing out. Quiet tears kept sliding from my closed eyes and with it came relief and then – stillness. I felt a soft, gentle peace. I became faithful in my yoga practice. I was getting stronger, feeling more vibrant, and people started noticing a change. I got comments like, “You look so happy.” And I was! Yoga became a life-line for me. For once I started listening to my body and honoring my needs. Not just in yoga class, but in everyday life. I stopped trying to do everything all by myself and started to say “no” when I knew that I couldn't possibly fit something else in. I made room in my day for quiet time – for the things that I needed. As I made these changes, I was able to give back. I was no longer empty.
Now fast forward. I have since been able to get off the medications with the careful supervision of my doctor, by using holistic healing methods, and making the changes mentioned above. Reaching a level of health and peace is not a one time deal. It takes work to maintain. It is a lifestyle. I have learned it is OK to ask for help. We all need it in one way or another. There will be a time for each of us to give back. I am ever grateful to have been helped through a rough spot in the road. I never would have dreamed of where my journey has led me. Now I am teaching yoga! How I began teaching is a whole new story, which I may have to tell another time. I love to offer this gift that has been shared with me. What an honor it is to give back to each of you. Thank you. Always, may peace and grace attend you. From my heart to yours- Namaste.
“. . . Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.” 1 Samuel 25:6
